Happiness is A Plethora of Hugs

It's amazing how I've gone from suicidal to filled with joy in, what, four months? I mean, I haven't really had a group of friends that I love since before Christmas last year. And now, going to my school picnic today, I've not felt so loved in a very, very long time. I can't tell you how many hugs I got today!

Today was a dress-down day, so, you could wear normal clothes if you payed five dollars to the seniors. Which sounded good to me. So, I chose to wear my very favorite outfit to school, and everybody seemed to make a mental sigh and go, "Oh, good, she's normal!" 'Cause, you know, I have glasses and look beyond dorky in my school uniform. I mean, otherwise, I can work the look; but when you're wearing khaki pants and polo shirts tucked in? You hardly have a chance.
People were talking to me more than usual today (probably because of my outfit and looking not so loser-esque) and I actually got around to telling Hannah and Rachel that I was bullied last year. They looked at me like that was a totally foreign concept to them. Yes, girls, welcome to the real world - kids like me get pushed around out there. It's not pretty. I still didn't mention the fact that I have 4S to anyone, but I'm sure they'll all learn sometime.

After school, we had a picnic at a park and participated in a relay race, a cake walk, tug of war (over a river! It got a little wet), and I had to eat a doughnut on the end of a string; but only because I'm a first-year student. It was kind of sad, because I didn't get to participate in the relay race because everyone volunteered for roles before I was able to. But, what was nice was that Willis was kind of distressed that I didn't get to play. I wasn't upset about the fact, but I was touched that he'd cared enough to ask if I was okay with that and that he was sorry.
Between events, I was able to hang out with my new friends. Mainly Hannah, Rachel, and Jake; but with the other guys, too. And while we're all different from each other, I think that it's kind of cool that nobody is ever alone. Everyone's included in everything.
The juniors ended up winning the relay, and the tug-of-war, but altogether it was really fun. What really touched me was at the end, Hannah and I were walking and she asked, "So, are you liking Bird Watched High*?"
The other girls had left and she and I were walking behind some of the guys.
I smiled, "Yeah," I said, grinning ear to ear, "I absolutely love it here!"
She tackled me in a hug. "Good! Because I love having you here!"
"I love having you here!" I exclaimed.

When I was leaving with my mother, I kind of called over my shoulder, "Good-bye, everyone!"
So, Jake flings his arms open and was like, "Byyye!"
I hugged him, even though I felt quite awkward about it because I don't think I've ever hugged a guy before. It was okay, though, and it was really quick anyway, so I got over it and hugged Hannah, this girl named Holly, and Nathan.
But wanna know something? Hugs are amazing. My self-esteem has sky-rocketed.

My Failed Attempt at Orchestrism

It's funny, because whenever I start a post, I have so many ideas in my head about what I'm going to write, making me sound all awesome and deep. But, once I'm at the keyboard, my brain goes dead. But, I'll go ahead and try and make some sense anyway.

First, I'd like to say that I think I type too fast. I think it's saying a little much if I'm fifteen and can type seventy-five words a minute. Also the fact that I would go online to figure out how quickly I can move my fingers across a keyboard. Let's say it together, dork. Please take this test and comment to tell me how you did so I feel a little better.
Moving on:
I made chocolate cake and brownies today, licked the batter, and didn't get any of it on my white T-shirt. I think this is a big developmental step for me. But why was I making all kinds of cocoa-y goodness? Because tomorrow, my school is having a back to school picnic and we are going to be participating in a cake walk. I have never done a cake walk before, but, however, I have made cakes. Hopefully I'll excel sometime at one or the other.
As I was happily making a cake in the kitchen, my mother dropped in and told me to make brownies. I asked her why, and she just told me that she didn't want to be tempted to eat my cake.
Oh, I thought, good point. So I made those as well.

A few hours earlier, she and I had drove over to a church across town because my cello teacher had said that she'd gotten me into a little orchestra as part of another home school group in the area. My mother and I thought this was a marvelous idea, so we went with it and showed up this morning. Unfortunately, it appeared that my teacher had not talked to the board about letting a random student in without being accepted to the school, and I was evidently not allowed to play.
"If we let you in," the directer so calmly explained as she chomped her gum loudly (to my particular annoyance), "then we'd have all kinds of students dropping in unannounced in the middle of the semester. I'm very sorry."
As we drove back home, I turned to my mother and said, "...because the rest of the American population is just dying to be in small home school orchestras."
"They'd be coming in through the windows," Mom commented, "and through the doors with battering rams!"
Sometimes I'm so glad for my mom's sarcasm.
Anyhow; dejected, I was dropped off at the house (because my mom was going to have coffee with her best friends) by myself and went to practice guitar instead.
Later as sat on the floor next to our daschound and schnoodle reading my Biology textbook, I was feeling quite peaceful. Even if I can't get into orchestra, I'm still contented to sit with the dogs while doing my studies at home, unhindered by children wielding bubble gum.
And that's good enough for me.

Pingpingpong!

My family likes ping pong. My mom has been playing for years since she was a little girl with her cousins and is flippin' fantastic at it. I'm kind of a wet noodle who has trouble hitting the ball, but I'm doing alright, I think. It is some of the only excersize that I get. I've gone to Dr. K from my church, and he's been telling me to start being active, and I have. I'm really proud of myself. My mom and I have gone on three walks in the past week, and I've also been doing the Hundred Pushup Challenge and the Two Hundred Sit-Up Challenge to strengthen my abdominal muscles and my back muscles so my back won't be in so much pain all the time. And, I think it's starting to help. So, if you're feeling a little bit flabby and are up for it, follow the links above and begin your own challenge!

I think there are mice living in my walls. I don't know how many, but I can hear something chewing on - I think - piping under my heat regester. My cat has been sitting next to it all day, but she hasn't found anything. I'd set up an elaborate mouse trap last week when they were on the other side of my bedroom constructed of a chair, a ramp, a box next to the chair, and a toilet paper tube teetering over the box on the edge of the chair with peanut butter in it. Did I catch my mouse? No, I did not.
My cat is a mouser. Only, she's a lazy one. Whenever she finds a mouse in my room, she'll sit and watch it all night while it cowers cornered in a frightened little ball. When she finds one in the basement, she makes sure to kill it and bring the guts up to leave on the floor as an offering for me. (Okay, that was a really nasty sentence, but I just wanted to say she does. I always feel like puking every time she does it.)
Anyway, I just wanted to share my rodent frustrations with you all because nobody else in my family seems the least bit concerned while I sit here and worry about catching the junta virus.

Tomorrow, I have school. I normally have school on Tuesdays and Fridays anyway, so Labor Day didn't really do anything for me. All I did today was follow my mom around town while she ran errands. But, my point was that I really like school. It's cool to not worry about what school's going to be like the next day. I've said this before: I love it! And wanna know something sad? I really like wearing uniforms because it makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

I hope you all had a great Labor Day and a great three-day-weekend and that you are having a great day :)

Friend Found This For Me:

I think it's pretty accurate. And I wish my life had subtitles.

Papa

Usually, my Fridays begin at 5:15 am. It's usually dark, the wood floor of my room is cold, and I'm the only one awake. Makeup, hair, lunch packing, and coffee making takes me to 6:20 (or today, 6:15), and then I'm in the car with my dad. We listen to the radio; even though I know he doesn't like my favorite morning program. But, he never makes any attempt to change the station, nor has he ever complained.

I'm learning a lot about my dad. I appreciate him more than I used to. I know I'm starting to see a different side of him than I knew a year ago. Maybe it has something to do with God opening my eyes to others and their sufferings, but maybe it doesn't. Maybe my heart hasn't changed at all. Even so, I'm now aware of all that he does for my family, but doesn't get acknowledged for. All the work he puts into taking care of my mother, my siblings, and I. House payments, groceries, medical bills. He's stressed all the time, but I've only heard from my mom and not his own mouth. I'll ask, but he'll water it all down so I won't have to worry. Then he'll ask me what I'm doing in my classes, and the subject is too quickly forgotten.

We get out of the car, now in the parking lot of my high school. He carries my book bin into the school, even though he has a bad back, without complaint. He knows I have the same condition - inherited from him. He hugs me and kisses my cheek, saying he hopes I have a good day at school and that he loves me. I do the same.

Feel Free to Tar and Feather Me.

Sorry, I totally promised that I wouldn't forget to post as soon as I started school, and what did I do? Forget. So, let me start where I left off.
The first day, I wore my favorite uniform outfit: Pink shirt and khaki capris. The bad thing? Every single freshman girl was wearing the same uniform. Fail.
(Feel free to skip this paragraph about classes): First period is algebra, and I don't understand it at all. In a normal school setting, it would be kind of alright that I didn't, becuase I could go in after school and get help, but not at Bird Watched High*. So, I'm kind of left to fend for myself and just do my homework. If I get it, that's fantastic, if not, sucks for you.
I love my history class. My teacher, Mr. Borton, is the coolest guy in the world. He's serious, layed back, but still manages to be a pretty strict teacher. Which I love, because he gives a lot of rules; and I like rules becuase I like to be told what I should do. Plus, history is a subject I could just inhale. I love it! Everything about it. It's so interesting.
My literature teacher is a world different than my English teacher last year. I'm not sure if I've told you about my psycho, pain-in-the-arse English Honors teacher, Mr. Golden. I think he wanted all of us to fail. He was mean, he didn't care about you, he was vague, and he looked like a caveman. But this year, Mrs. Zane is a sweet, old lady who speaks slowly and clearly; wanting you to understand and willing to take time for you.
My Spanish teacher, Mrs. Graving, is hilarious. She's like Tina Fey in person. Today she was making fun of the textbook becuase the situation in Spanish was like, Estudiante A said: "I don't really like our Spanish teacher", and Estudiante B sits up streight in his chair and looking down his nose in a British accent responds, "One must follow the rules."
Biology is boring, and I don't really understand it, but my book quotes scripture! How cool is that? Instead of trying to explain to me that human evolved from apes, it has an entire chapter explaining why that wouldn't work. Awesome? Awesome.
(You can be done skipping.)

Remember how I said I was worried I wouldn't fit in? I've made all kinds of friends! My class of 2013 has seven boys and five girls, including me, and I was the only new kid. The girls I met are Rachel, Rabekah, Alyssa, and Hannah (who loves Skillet almost as much as I do!). It's awesome, because by the end of the first day, Rabekah and Rachel were ready to give me a hug before they left school. By the second day, I'd had a good long discussion about music with Hannah at lunch, and Alyssa and I had hit it off really well. By the third day, a boy named Jake had started to repeat everything I do (exaggerated hand motions, occasional screeches, and mirroring my faces). Another boy named Aiden had started telling me about the things he does to small animals, (like blowing up frogs and prairie dogs and setting snakes on fire). Nathan even carried my textbook and binder bin to the car because it was too heavy for me! Boys hold doors open, too.
Do you remember the verse I put at the end of my testimony post? "For you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good; to accomplish what is now being done" (Genesis 50:20). For the longest time, I didn't ever recite the last part, "to accomplish what is now being done", because I thought it wasn't relevant to me. I was focusing on how I wanted to believe I hadn't been harmed by Michael, but it makes perfect sense now. For the first time in a long time, I can go home and tell my mom I had a fantastic day at school; because I have! I enjoy school now. I have friends. Now I can see how God has been faithful in the trials he put me through, because it has resulted in being put into this school. I can't think of a better place to have been placed.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you'," declares the LORD, "'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11).

An Ordinary Day.

Today I left my phone in my room and recieved no text messages. I checked my email, but had nothing new in my inbox. I checked Facebook and had no notifications. Then I checked my blog to see if I'd gotten any comments; I hadn't. It's kind of sad that we base our worth on the amount of interaction we have with others electronically. Maybe everyone else has a life and I just don't?

How Do You Make An Ordinary Situation Hilarious? Turn the Jazz Station On.

Thank you all for voting on my poll about pets. If you haven't, please feel welcome to do so! I would have never known that someone owned a saber-toothed tiger until a today had I not set that up. Wherever you live, mysterious cat-owner, remind me to keep a good three hundred yards away from your house whenever I pass by it. I'm in awe that you have managed to survive so long with such a ferocious animal as a beloved pet! Tell me, what is it that you feed it?

In other news, my best friend, Fang, who happens to be a poet, has this blog called Believe Your Voice Means Something. It's a collection of her work, and she also has nobody reading it to review her pieces. So, it would mean a lot to her if some of you could go and look at it! Thanks!

Yesterday, my brother started school and my sister had to help with freshmen orientation. Today, they are both in school while I am not because I got to private school. Kristen was done with her thing by twelve, so my beautiful mother and I joined for for a while. Know what's kind of sad? I walked around Forever 21, the most random clothing store I've ever crossed paths with, for fifteen minutes and didn't find anything to get. After Kristen the Pretty and Skinny got out of the dressing room with her six shirts that suited her perfectly, she and my mother were all over the store trying to find something for me to wear. The annoying part? They found something within two minutes. I think my problem is that I honestly have no fashion sense. But that doesn't mean that I don't look good in things that my sister and mother pick out for me, which means that I am now two shirts poorer than I was. I'll plunge into a fashionless oblivion once Kristen leaves for college. Thank God she's only a senior this year!
Kristen left after we shopped a little while, not finding anything, and so my mom decided she wanted to take me to the Cheesecake factory, which happens only in a blue moon. Partially because we have, like, no money. But, because we're in the family we are, we both know exceptionally well how to save money. Like to order basket of bread and only one slice of cheesecake to share, and one coffee instead of, say, a BLT with shrimp and garlic salt with a side of freshly-cut french fries. What we got only cost us eleven dollars. Skill? I think so. And we've managed to keep our little mother-daughter date secret from my siblings. (Know how kids spell "love"? T-I-M-E.)
The two of us then went to Target and I bought an additional two shirts and a pair of jeans. Ninety dollar paycheck well spent!

It rained yesterday, and I sat out on the front porch in the hammock to read a book. It's cool to watch how storms progress. First, it begins to get really dark; then it starts to sprinkle, then the downpour. I sat and shivered for a long time, but I loved it. My dog, Bo, came up and sat next to me in the chair I moved to after a while, and it just seemed so...peaceful. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
My mother called me in for dinner of spinach quiche, to which my twelve-year-old brother promptly began complaining about, piling cantaloupe high on his plate and refusing to eat anything else. I thought, is this seriously the kid that is the quarterback for his little football team? (He also cries whenever I accidentally hurt him and acts like he needs to be taken to the emergency room, but laughs it off whenever he's with his friends...) My mom resorted to feeding him like a baby.
"Heeere comes the airplaaane!" she crowed, making an engine noise with her mouth and trying to shove quiche in through his.
"We should turn some classical music on," Kristen suggested. "Everything's much more comical whenever there's a symphony playing."
"Like in movies!" I added.
Dad got up and turned the jazz station on.
Then we couldn't stop laughing at him. While he pulled a face while he was chewing, there were saxophones going, da dum ba-da bum...
"Stop giggling at me!" Daniel growled at me from across the wide table.
Which, of course, made me laugh harder. His glare hardened, and then a singer went, "I need to tell you I looove yooou!"
His eyes widened, and his frown quivered into a suppressed smile which continued to grow until he ended up laughing with the rest of us. I feel the need to videotape the rest of our family dinners.

Today, youth group was at my house because we always have it at our house at the end of the year. We're the people with the huge, huuuge thirty-six acre yard. Ashley (Fang) was there to entertain me, and my other friends that made it were Michael Anderson, Alex, and Mikayla (who is a freshman as of today :).
Towards the end of the night, Chris Johnson thought it would be a great idea to pay Michael and Alex ten dollars to eat a spoonful of cinnamon. They were all for it, especially because both Kristen and I were the ones running all about the house trying to find cinnamon for them to use. The results, however, were purely entertaining. I have never seen anyone blow any type of powder out their nose before. Michael is a weenie in disguise, so he quickly dashed off in a random direction and proceeded to puke, while Alex, the determined one, slowly managed to swallow the whole thing, and then puke. Everyone was laughing so hard they were crying! It was so comical. I kind of wish classical music could have been playing. Alex even won his ten bucks.

How to Cheer You Up a Bit:

• 1 Mug of water.
• 1 Tea bag of your favorite fruit tea (peach is especially good).
• 1/4 Cup 2% or whole milk, or even cream!
• 1 Tablespoon of honey (or more, if you prefer).

Place tea bag in water. Then put the mug in the microwave for about two to three minutes. Then, add milk/cream. Then add the honey and keep tasting it until it's sweet enough. Sip slowly while reading favorite book and feel much better.

Know What's Great? It's Story Time With Steph.

Today, I woke up and within thirty seconds, the doorbell rang. Let me remind you that I live out in the middle of freaking nowhere and this, like, never happens. The second thing that happened was a heard my pastor, Harlan, 's voice greeting my dad; which also never happens. (I feel like I use semi-colons far too often, do you agree?) My first thought was, Dang! Now I can't wear that shirt I bought yesterday with Kristen at Target! because I was planning on wearing it Sunday.
Life: 2,354. Steph: 0.

Also, if you have three hours to spare, like I so often do, you should read this. Particularly if you're a big Maximum Ride fan, and even if you're not. It's called Diary of a Lovesick Mutant and is the most brilliantly written fanfiction I've ever stumbled upon. It's not often that the word "bacon" is put into every single three thousand word chapter. But, it's really good, so even if you don't believe me, you should just read the first chapter anyway.

Yesterday, as I mentioned, my sister and I went out to go shopping because we'd both gotten our meager little half-paychecks on Saturday last week and hadn't spent any of it. Before we left, Kristen babbled on about how, according to this book she's reading written by some random gay guy, certain colors are your "romantic" color and are supposed to match the color of your index finger after you've pinched it. MIND BLOWN MUCH? (By the way, we still can't figure out what color my eyes are. I'll have to post a picture sometime and see what you all think, dear followers.)
So, anyway, the two of us climbed into our rickety old silver '88 Volvo Stationwagon and headed off to Target. Kristen ended up getting pissed off at me for psychologically analyzing her (because that's what I do) on the way over. Note that on a side-note that while I love Kristen I hate clothes shopping with her because she's tiny, skinny, and wears a size 1 jeans. Not only that, but she's, like, eleven times prettier than I am and looks good in everything.
She picked out at least five shirts for me to try on, including something that I thought was hideous and looked like something my mother would wear. But, as it turns out, I ended up buying it because it was cute on me and made me feel good inside - which doesn't happen all that often. So, I walked out of the store with said shirt and a bottle of shampoo as big as my face. Kristen didn't end up buying anything.
Then after that, because we're teenage girls and thoroughly enjoy shopping, we drove to Plato's Closet (teen consignment store) to look at clothing because I needed jeans. Badly. The sad thing was that neither of us found anything there, either, and so we went to McDonalds and ate our feelings because it made us feel better.
Kristen, suddenly in a better mood and feeling very courageous with a tummy full of a Ranch Stack-Wrap and medium fries, decided we were going to attempt shopping at Target once again. I said okay.
We walked in through the automatic entree doors (me with my fries at hand) and headed straight for the clothes section, where Kristen quickly located a shirt she'd tried on an hour ago (a cute, black, knitted Mexican-style V-neck). "Haha!" she exclaimed. "Wanna go see if we can find a Justin Beiber CD?"
I laughed a little. "Sure, why not?"
"Because how funny would that be if we just stuck that on your iTunes and Daniel synced his iPod to it unknowingly?"
I grinned.
"Then," she continued, "wouldn't that be fantastic if he put his iPod on shuffle and had a mental heart attack when a Justin Beiber song randomly popped up?"
"Let's go!" I said, and we quickly began making it over to the CD section.
But we stopped within a heartbeat when we saw the unthinkable: Michael Newman and his mom walking down the aisle with a cart. I let out a little shriek.
"We're going this way!" I whisper/yelled.
We did a 180, and began to scurry away as fast as we could. They began following us, and I was one hundred percent sure that they'd spotted us. Then a fantastic idea came up on my screen. "I suddenly feel the need to throw my McDonalds fry-holder away!" I exclaimed loud enough for him to hear me and darted through the register lines to find a trashcan.
When he'd passed and was a safe distance away from my sister and I, we made our way over to the Justin Beiber CDs anyway. But, not finding it in ourselves to actually buy anything, we turned away and looked at DVDs instead because I had mentioned earlier that morning I would like to rent a chick flick to watch that night. 10 Things I Hate About You, while tempting, was way out of our price range, so we settled on getting Get Smart and Sense and Sensibility instead.
So, to end our frivolous day, Kristen and I locked ourselves in her bedroom and watched the Jane Austen film huddled on her pink shag rug eating mugs full of chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream. What a great way to end a day!
In conclusion, shopping is not entirely bad when you're with the right person. And the next time I'm wearing fuzzy socks, I'm going to burst into my sister's room and yell, "Kristen! I'm getting fuzzical!". That would be such an epic win day.

Happy Monday, World.

So, my week is off to a great start. Not. I've been looking at my school and biting my lip about it. I'm not sure if I'm excited or not to go. Here's a list I've put together.

Cons (notice they're before the pros, because I'm a pessimist):

• There are only fifteen kids in each class.
• I'm probably one of the only kids at the school to transfer from private school. I hope they don't see me as a heathen.
• No snacking (which is a pro, also), but I'll get hungry.
• Only two days a week.
• Starts a week after my siblings go to school, so I'm home alone. Yaaay.
• Uniforms! Yikes! Khaki pants and polo shirts...tucked in!

Pros:

• Michael Newman, Sara, Ryan, and Christina do not go there! I don't have to worry about running into them!
• No orchestra.
• Two days a week.
• No gum.
• No snacks.
• Christian.

I'm nervous. Like, really, really nervous. What if the kids don't like me? What if I sit next to the wrong person on the first day? What if I wear my uniform wrong (or as wrong as khaki can go)? What if I have the wrong school supplies? What if someone has a cold and is sniffling? What if my backpack is too dorky? What if I go to the wrong class?
These are the questions that haunt me. Did I mention I have to wear khaki??
But, what was cool this week is that my family can't afford to go to Bird Watched High* for three thousand a year, and my grandparents called on Saturday and told my mom they wanted to pay one thousand a semester for it! How cool is that? And my mom got a job offer! Thank you God.
On Saturday also, I forgot to mention, I went to Heavenfest with my youth group. Basically the largest Christian event in Colorado that you can attend. It had seventy bands, seven stages, and went twenty-four hours. Crazy, right? So, I got a chance to watch Disciple, Kutless, BarlowGirl, Thousand Foot Krutch, Hawk Nelson, and The Devil Wears Prada (which was my first screamo band experience. It was surprisingly awesome). It was really hot most of the day, and even though there was free water, you had to stand in line for about twenty minutes in order to refill your water bottle. On the plus side, though, you got to listen to music anywhere you were; even in line. I mean, what more could I possibly want? It was a really fantastic day, although we were all sweaty, dirty, and tired by the end.
Yesterday, a band called The Ineloquent came to play at my church and lead worship. They have some really cool music! We bought one of their CDs, which unfortunately didn't have the song that I liked that they played called "Gravity". It talks about how we can't see God, we can't hear God, but we know he's there; just like we can't see gravity, but can feel its pull; or how we can't see wind, but can see it shake trees. I thought it was a really cool way to disprove the accusation that God isn't there because he doesn't have a face. Anyway, feel free to check them out or maybe even invite them to play at your church! They're a small band looking for places to play, and they're on tour.
Well, tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment with a doctor who goes to my church that I've know all my life to see what he can do for my back. I also have to shower and eat something, because I'm starving. I'm always starving, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I think there's something wrong with me, which wouldn't surprise me the least bit. I'm a rolling ball of issues.

VBS: Is It Sad I'm Enjoying It Way More Than the Kids?

My church has done VBS for as long as I can remember. And each year, it's been pretty darn elaborate. When we started out, Benny Chang's mom was the head, and every year was fantastic. Things aren't as cool now, but Makayla Miller's mom is doing pretty well. We've set up something with this other church (which is freaking huge) so we can borrow all of their sets for our themes. So far, we've done "Avalanche Ranch", "Crocodile Dock", and, now this year, "High Seas Expedition".
This year I'm old enough to be a group leader. No, not a helper - a leader. At first, I thought my group was going to be me and Makayla (who I've also known since I was little and is the peanut butter to my jelly) and then the kids, but it got switched. The girl who I thought was going to be my sister's helper, Ilysa, who I don't really like at all, ended up taking Mak's place due to lack of staff. I was pretty bummed. Then came the kids in my group.
Team "Salty":
There's Mattie (6), who is the youngest of the Johnson family's adopted African kids; Casey (6? 7?) and his friend Kurtis; sisters Hadley (8) and Taylor (7?) who are both adopted from China; Jocelyn (9?), who is Ilysa's little sister; Logan (3), who is allergic to everything; and Matthew Quarter (11). I hate Matthew Quarter.
The first day was kind of crazy. Ilysa was not helping me at all. She, instead, was talking and making fun of everything with Matthew and Jocelyn while I chased small children around from station to station. It's a good thing I had to leave early for an interview for Bird Watched High School* (which I got accepted, by the way!), or I would have lost my mind.
I complained to Dana (head VBS person?), and she was able to get me another helper named Simon Hayden (12) to assist me. Things have been noticeably better since then.
The Schedule? Praise, Crafts/God-Sightings, Games, Story Time, Snack, Praise, End. It takes two and a half hours.
I feel like the lessons have been great. The kids are following Paul and Peter's journeys after Jesus ascended into heaven as they evangelize to the Gentiles. Hence High Seas Expedition. So far we've learned through them that God's Word is True, God's Word is Comforting, God's Word is Surprising, and God's Word is Life-Changing.
Today was the most intense day we've had so far. We played all our activities on how Christ laid is life down for us because we deserved to die and he didn't want us to. I've been realizing exactly the extent of what Jesus did for me on the cross these past two months since Kyle started being our youth pastor. Like, every single one of my sins would take an eternity in hell to pay for just one. Jesus not only took all of my sins, though. He took the entire worlds'! Past, present, and future. Every single person's. And he bore all of that in three hours.
Dude.
That is intense.
Wanna know my God Sighting today? I got into Bird Watched High* a few days ago, and I barely even met the qualifications. It costs three thousand dollars a year, which is more than my family can pay for. My grandparents called this morning and told my mom that they wanted to pay one thousand dollars of my tuition each semester I was in school, and my mom got accepted for a job at the pastry shop. I didn't think I could pass the math placement test to get into Algebra II, and the board decided I didn't have to take it because I had evidence of having a B in Geometry last year.
God is truth! God is comforting! God is surprising! And most of all, God is Life Changing. VBS lessons aren't just for kids, folks, they're for highschoolers, too!

*You are aware I change the names of everything, right?

Friends and Family

So, Kendra, I totally am stealing your idea of telling everyone who's who in your life in a post so that people don't get confused and I don't have to keep explaining how I know people.
Anyway, here we go.

Family:

• My adoptive dad (also answers to "God") is the creator of the universe. He's adopted many other kids all over the world, and helps every one of them who need it. He also knows every single one of them like they were his only child, which is really cool, because he takes all that time out of his day to talk to a couple billion of them. He resides in a really big house, you know, way up there.
• My earthly Daddy (Lee) is a civil engineer. He's a very calm guy, very strong, very smart. I couldn't think of a better guy to have in my life and raise me the way God would want me to live. Even in the most dire situations, you can always count on my dad to remain calm.
• Mom (Karen) is a freelance artist. She's sparky and silly and one of the strangest people I have ever met. And I wouldn't have her any other way. She and I are very close, and very much alike.
• Kristen (17) is a senior in high school. She's also spunky and silly, but also has a very stern side to her like my dad does. She's also pretty dang strict. But, she and I are like two peas in a pod, giggling and teasing each other to no end.
• Daniel (12) is a seventh grader. He has the most beautiful strawberry-blonde hair. He's beginning to become one of those stupid teenage boys who don't know how to do anything and don't want to do anything other than skate, text, and hang out with his little girlfriends. He also doesn't want to do anything my mom asks him to.

Pets:

• Maggie (9). A black miniature, neurotic, schnauzer-poodle. That stupid dog won't die.
• Sabine (8). Our black miniature daschound with a long, bald scar down her back and a bite out of her ear. We adopted her from a shelter a year ago and have no idea what happened to her. But, she's very sweet.
• Boaz (2). Big, white, fluffy maremma sheepdog. Kind of a dope, really nice, but a great guard-dog.
• Summer (6). My cat. Grey, cute, and mellow. Never comes downstairs.
• Cocoa (6). My difficult buckskin horse.
• Keena and Allie (6 and 7). Identical creamy Indian paint horses. We've had them a year and a half and I still can't tell them apart.
• Bonnie (3). The baby, brown, black, and white paint horse. She's the little sister of Keena and Allie who injured her leg and almost had to be put down. But, now since she's been man-handled so much, she likes human company a lot.

Friends Close Enough to Be Family:

• My godparents (Kent and Sheila) and godsisters (Sydney, 17; and Cecily, 15). My mom and Sheila used to be roommates, and are now best of friends. Strangely enough, she ended up having her two daughters around the time that my mom did, and so now Kristen and I have best friends who live in Washington State that we never, ever see. But, we love them :)
• Chris and Cathy, our youth leaders. Two of the tallest people I know, and both loads of fun. Chris and Kristen are like brother and sister, even though he's almost in his thirties. He makes fun of everything Kristen does because she's so darn tiny and he's so darn giant. Cathy used to be my mentor.
• Rachel (15). One of my two best friends, Rachel and I are so alike that it's scary. She absolutely loves dinosaurs and skinny jeans, also has 4S, and just understands me. I love her to death :)

Friends:

• Kyle, my youth pastor, and his wife, Mandee. They have a two year old daughter named Karis and a one-month-old son named Owen.
• Ashley "Fang" (15). She's one of my two best friends that I met at youth group. She's Asian and "scene", not emo, she says. She understands me more in personality, which balences Rachel as the one who understands me situationally. I don't know what I'd do without either of them!
• Ruby (15). How cool is it that she has red hair? She and I have been best friends since the fourth grade. I had to leave our old elementary school because it was private and expensive, but we've communicated long-distance ever since.
• Alex (16). He's short. He's awesome. He's Alex. A kid wise beyond his years.
• Rink (20). She's was a senior when I was a seventh grader, but now she's our summer youth intern.
• Hannah (15). From my school. Short, awesome, and loves Skillet almost as much as I do! She also always has awesome shoes :)
• Jake (15). From my school and one of my closer friends there. He's very tall and skinny, but hilarious, quirky, and twitchy. He also has a way of slithering away and just appearing next to you suddenly. Best friends with Rachel.
• Rebekah (15). From school. I don't really know a lot about her except she's funny and tiny and has red hair. She also enjoys hugs, is best friends with Alyssa and Nathan (I think?).
• Alyssa (15). From school. I also don't know a ton about her. But, I love her, she's very nice, laughs a lot, and is best friends with Rebekah.
• Nathan (15). From school, not a lot known about him. He's nice and carried my bin to the car one day, which I appreciated greatly thanks to my bad back :)
• Ben (16?). He talks to me in my first study hall period. He's Jake's older brother by thirteen months.

Other Important People I May Mention:

• Sara Moore (15). She used to be my best friend the first half of freshman year, and then betrayed me to remain friends with Michael Newman.
• Michael Newman (15). Used to be my best friend in eighth grade, but then turned and bullied me all of freshman year.
• Ryan (15). Enthusiastic atheist. Also an enthusiastic persecutor of Christians after he stopped being friends with me at the middle of last year.
• Christina (15). I actually don't know why she hates me. I think it was because she was in love with Michael, and I hated him. I was always ever looking out for her (because she was depressed, suicidal, and cutting herself), and was trying to help. But she just hated me.

Bloggers:

• Kendra Logan! I've actually never met her in person, but Internet-wise, we're pretty good friends. Kendra, I would like to tell you right now that I'm not a creepy, forty-year-old man trying to find out information about you so I can come to kill you with a chain-saw!

That's me and the people in my life. How about yours?

Cows and Cows and Cows.

Things I Hate:

1. Boys.
2. Friends who make my life awkward.
3. Having to switch schools. The process is long and complicated.
4. When things don't go according to plan. My stupid, thought-out-by-a-fifteen-year-old plans.
5. Cats who pee on your new comforter, sheets, and mattress and make your room smell like a nursing home.
6. Not being able to drive.
7. Hormones.
8. Writer's block.
9. My fatefully creative brain. How come I can't be good at being book smart? How come I can't remember anything anyone teaches me?
10. Being a pessimist.
11. Being fifteen.
12. Having a catrillion medical problems my family can't afford to fix.
13. Not being filthy rich like 90% of my old school.
14. Having 4S.
15. When my computer freaks out and acts like the world is going to end if I "don't find a power source soon" because I have 7% power left on my laptop.
16. Mothers who hate sappy things. I happen to like sappy things; what's wrong with that?
17. Having to list these things out on my blog because I have no friends to complain to.

It's Wednesday, People.

So, Ashley spent the night at my house last night and we talked a while about future careers. I'd like to be an artist. I really would. It's always been my dream to attend Columbus Art Institute just like my mom did and become some sort of famous artist. But, I know that that's not probable, and the only artists who become famous are, like, prodigies. I'll probably be dirt poor and single with only a German shepherd named Forte to keep me company.
On the other hand, I could become a vet, have said dog with a successful husband who loves me and 2.4 children to keep me busy outside of work. Would I be as happy? I'm not sure.
Ashley says her family is urging her to become a musical therapist, pleasing small crowds of six old, dying patients in nursing homes by dinging triangles and shaking tambourines to simple tunes. That's not really what she wants to do, she says. She's always loved performing arts like drama and symphonies, not therapy.
The whole money thing really puts a damper on your dreams. Never tell someone who's good at drawing to say you wish you could draw like them, because let me tell you this: NOBODY NEEDS ARTISTS. Artists make no money! If you're good at math and can't draw, consider yourself lucky. You're good at something useful.
I'm like, "Thanks, God, for gifting me with useless talents."
Writing, drawing, and music.
I understand writing is useful, like James Patterson is a fantastic storyteller. But I'm not fantastic. I'm good.
"Good" doesn't make the cut.
That's all I have to say about that.

Today my brother fell off a horse. Ashley, him, and I were all riding around our property today, and our maremma sheepdog, Bo, decided it would be a good idea to try and play with Allie. The horse Daniel just happened to be riding. Now, let me tell you something: Daniel is not a good rider. On top of all his flaws in this area, he doesn't ever hold his reins tight enough.
If your reigns aren't tight, you can't stop your horse if they suddenly flip out and start booking it in a random direction.
So, Bo freaks Allie out, and Daniel is now being carried at top speed in said direction with no control. He never really screams unless he's really, truly scared for his life (like the time he was hallucinating when he was sick one time and thought a cruise ship was going to fall on his room...), so when I heard him really screaming, I knew something was up.
It was practically in slow motion. One second he's on the horse, and the other, he's being flung into the air onto the hard, Colorado plains' soil rear-first. Thankfully, Mom had talked him into wearing a helmet, so no major damage was done to his head, but he has a nasty bruise now on his upper thigh where he fell. He's also milking his injury to get out of, say, helping me watch a spastic two-year-old or doing the dishes by himself.
Well? Boys will be boys. And those who are prepubescent and lack masculinity...

Rafting Trip

Over the weekend, my youth group embarked on a rafting and camping trip. There was three pairs of sisters: Me and Kristen, Sarah and Macy, and Ashley and Becca; and then there was Alex, Michael Anderson, my little brother Daniel, and this awkward kid named Jim (whom I think was thirteen, or something) that Chris brought along that belonged to his boss. Rink, Kyle, Neb, and Tracy (Neb's wife) came along to supervise.

The ride up sucked just a bit. It was like my own personal hell confined into one car. You see, the Smith sisters, Sarah and Macy, love gum. Not only do they love gum, but they also enjoy popping it. So, us three pairs of sisters, Rink (she is a girl, by the way. And in college, but is our summer intern), and Kyle were all crammed into one SUV.
It was all fun until Macy asked everyone if they would like a piece of gum. Everything went downhill from there. Macy has gotten better about not popping her gum since she graduated, but Sarah, who was sitting between me and Kristen, has not. Long story short, I was condemned to listen to my iPod very loud. So, I busied myself with creating a playlist made out of my loudest, screaming music and blocked the sound with that. Then Rink broke the chips out for everyone to eat. I was then forced to turn my iPod up as loud as it went in order to stay sane. See, despite what others think, I actually don't like listening to my music really loud. It hurts my head.
The boys had gone up earlier with Chris (is it funny that every time I type his name, I accidentally type "Christ"?), and so all of the tents were set up and ready to go for us. The girls all shared my dad's eight person tent, while the boys were placed a good ten feet away from us and the fire pit.
Immediately, Kristen and I pulled our cots out and set them out while ignoring the jabs Chris (not Christ) threw about us being "wimpy campers". Usually, our family would be sleeping in a cosy, cooshy, ugly RV at a KOA somewhere. Cots, to Kristen and I, were a step up from that.
Dinner of quarter pound hamburger patties roasted over the camp fire and bags of chips filled our hungry stomachs as we talked about life around as a group. Kristen, despite being 5"3 and barely a hundred pounds somehow managed to consume an entire pound of beef, which we all thought was pretty funny. Then the boys decided to attack Rink's beautiful, curly brown hair with shaving cream, and so in the middle of the night, a few of us girls got up and popped their tent rods out of the ground and made it fall down on top of them.
In the morning, we had to scurry and put on our clothing and pack everything back up and stick it in one of the cars. An hour later, we were all in our swim suits and non-cotton clothing, ready to raft in the rapids. (Did you catch that alliteration there? I'm awesome.) Because the Smiths, shocker, were already munching on gum, I decided to join the special boat with Daniel, Kristen, Ashley, and Kyle's sister-in-law. You had to be sixteen to be in the boats without a guide sitting and doing all the work for you, or at least fourteen if you'd rafted before. Daniel was twelve, and Ashley was fifteen with no rafting experience, so I joined their boat without question; Kristen following right behind me.
So, the day went pretty smoothly without anyone except Jim falling out of the boat. Because Jim would fall out. There was this one place called Twin Falls where all the water collected in a violent bowl/sink hole thing, and the nose of our raft just happened to get wedged under the water pouring in. Our boat began to fill up with water, and I watched, clinging to the steel frame while my little brother barely managed being sucked out into the pool. We finally broke free, thanks to our fantastic guide, and emerged unharmed.
"I'm surprised you all stayed in!" Bella, our guide, exclaimed afterward. "Props to you guys!"
Other than that and getting splashed continuously by Chris, nothing horrible happened.
Right after we'd finished our seventeen mile course, we changed into dry clothing and headed to the cars we'd be driving home in.
"We have some room in our car if anyone's interested," Neb offered our entire group, but nobody took it.
I turned and opened the door of Kyle's car to see Sarah chomping on an apple, then made a snap decision.
"Neb!" I called, and he turned around. "I think I'll take you up on that offer, if that's alright."
So, I moved all of my things into their car. Daniel also decided the come with us, because he is great friends with Neb and Tracy, and so the car ride was vastly more entertaining than it would have been.
Kristen drove Daniel and I home as soon as we got home from the church where we all met to say goodbye. What did I see? A horse trailer full of office furniture. Was I thoroughly confused? Yes.
"Um," I asked my dad, "What's going on here?"
"Remember that our office moved?" he asked me.
I nodded.
"Well, all the furniture from the old place was up for grabs, so I took the opportunity to take as much as I could and bring it home for all of you."
"Oh," I said, frowning. "I see."
So, now I have an awesome spinny-rolly office chair for my desk and a massive CD case holder on top of my headboard/table thing. I wasn't aware I had so much music until I filled it up!
In the basement, we have a full set of leather waiting room chairs with nowhere to go along with six cork boards with no home. It's like Office Max exploded.

Me and Music + The Monster Living in Me

It's a funny thing, music. To me, it's something different to what others see it as. Some people think they like music, but they don't know the half of what it means to truely enjoy it. I live and breathe melodies. Lyrics are my oxygen, and blaring guitars fuel my fire.

Go down to the very bottom of my blog where my music box is. Do you see it? Good. Press the "pause" button.

Alright. This is a song by Skillet that didn't have meaning to me until this weekend until I listened to the lyrics and realized it totally discribed me living with 4S and how I try to hide it from every one.
Press play and read along with the lyrics.

The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage
And I just can't hold it
It's scratching on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!

I feel it deep within,
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I
Feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I
Feel like a monster
I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged
But I can't control it
Cause if I let him out
He'll tear me up
And break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!

I feel it deep within,
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I
Feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I
Feel like a monster
I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark
It's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me
It wants my soul,
It wants my heart
No one can hear me scream
Maybe it's just a dream
Or maybe it's inside of me
Stop this monster!

I feel it deep within,
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I
Feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I
Feel like a monster
I feel like a monster


I'd thought about how I really feel like I am some sort of monster all of the time. Like, I can't really help anything I do anymore. I keep it caged and hidden from everyone else, but I can't control it. I want everyone to leave me alone because I'm afraid they'll find out about this beast living inside of me and not want to accept it. I want someone to save me from it and make it end, but I know that nothing will make that happen. I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life.

Tip: Never walk into a restaurant that has a fish tank with clownfish living in it and say, "Hey, it's Nemo!" because, trust me, the hostess has heard that at least 3,240,697 times and now feels like dunking you in said aquarium.

Fourth of July + Life Update

These last couple days have been interesting. Let's see, when did I last post? Wow, last Saturday. It's been a while. Alright, I can work with that.

(This paragraph is a little graphic, so males, if you don't feel comfortable reading this, I suggest you skip to the next one.) Last Monday, I went to an OB-GYN for a pelvic exam (which is EXACLTY what you think it is), and the doctor confirmed I don't have ovarian cysts. It was a little awkward for a while because they all acted like I came in to find out if I was pregnant, but after that question was answered beyond a shadow of a doubt, we were all good. The doctor put me on medroxyprogesterone to trigger a menstrual because I haven't had one since April, and she thinks that perhaps after I've had one, I'll begin to even out. She said that if I don't feel better after I've had one, she'll send me to the back doctor to see if maybe my scoliosis is creating pain in my groin area. And that's the scoop on my medical issues for this week.

On Tuesday, I did nothing until we had TNL (Tuesday Night Live, or youth group) at a friend's house.

For the Fourth, my family and I went up to our condo in Frisco, which is a very small town in the mountains between Breckenridge and Lake Dillon. Mostly, we chillaxed and watched TV, because there's cable up there, and not here at my house. We also rode our bikes around to Abbey's Coffee and got ice cream, watched the parade, and looked at art galleries. The last day, my sister, my mom, and I went shopping in Breckenridge.
A few hours after that when we were all packing to get ready to leave, my dad was attempting to fix the glass shower door which had come off it's track and called me in to help him.
"Just hold that right there, Stephany," he instructed, holding the metal top rod (I really don't know what to call it) carefully until I could take over.
Not a few seconds after that, I managed to let the rod slip and shatter one of the glass doors. There was glass everywhere. Like, little pieces of glass the size of pennies, not shattering into easy-to-pick up sheets.
I did one of those moments where you stand there and don't move because of the shock of what you just did. "Oh..." shit. I began to say the first part, but finished in my head. "Sorry!"
My dad ever so calmly put his head in his hands and sat down on the toilet. He didn't yell at me or say a word.
My mother appeared behind me and was like, "What happened?!"
I then noticed a few cuts dripping blood on each of my father's legs. "I, well, Dad needed someone to help him, and I came in and..."
"It wasn't your fault," my dad said, rubbing his eyes. "It was...the top rod twisted and banged the glass, right?"
"I think so," I said.
He exhaled, obviously pissed at the situation, seeing that we're trying to sell the condo. "Go over to WalMart and buy a shower curtain and a rack."
I accompanied my mom and brother on that shopping escapade, and we were able to fix the situation for the most part. The new curtain actually gave the bathroom a little bit of color, which was kind of an improvement.
I couldn't help but think that it's a good thing my dad's a Christian and a good father, because I could have seen another man in his situation yelling at me or calling me names. My dad's just so...calm. It's nice. He's a great guy.

In other news, I'm heading off to the mountains again this Friday for a camping and rafting trip with a bunch of youth group buddies. Kyle, Chris (red-head Chris), Neb (the other Chris), Me, Kristen, Daniel, Ashley, her sister Becca and maybe their brother Jared, Alex, Caleb, and Michael Anderson are all going. It's going to be really, really fun. Let's just all try and stay in our boats and not die, and it'll all work out for all of us!
I really hope we don't have to hike, because I'm about the most out-of-shape kid on the trip. Not to mention back pains and having a period all at the same time! And we had a finger-blaster war at youth group yesterday and I'm really sore from it. (Finger Blasters being those little foam rockets you can shoot by a rubber loop at the front.)

That's been my week. How was yours?