My Testimony

So, some of you might wonder why I'm a Christian, and why I believe what I believe. Some of you might think that there is no God, and all this religion stuff is a load of crap. I'm here to tell you it isn't.
Last year, I thought I was on fire for the Lord. I thought I was so on fire I'd try and bring all my friends from school to youth group so they could learn about Jesus and be Christians, too. And it worked for a while, except with my friend at the time, Ryan, but he still came. I'd gotten both Michael and Christina to listen to Skillet, Matthew West, Thousand Foot Krutch, and Relient K; all of my favorite Christian bands. They seemed to love it. I thought they thought God was cool, like I did.
Then, over the summer before my freshman year, I began to get fed up with all of Michael's drama. He was like a girl inside of a guy. He was bitchy, he was mean, he would blow up in your face about some tiny thing that didn't matter. I couldn't stand it anymore. The sad part was he was my best friend, and I wasn't feeling any best friendish vibes from him. He was changing for the worse.
So I told him that I didn't want him to text me about his fights with Ryan and his disagreements with Sara. He said that was okay and that he'd stop.
Then, randomly, in the middle of July, he sent me this long hate email accusing me of Christina's depression and that I was making her life worse and that she hated me. And that he hated me, too. I was confused about this, because I had always been the one suggesting she went to councilling and that she get some help. He was the one who wouldn't speak to me for a week when I suggested it earlier during the eighth grade school year. I can't remember much of the other stuff he said to me, but, long story short, he decided he hated me, and therefore hated God as well.
During the beginning of freshman year, he verbally attacked me constantly with Bible-bashing, faith-shattering insults which stung like salt water over my then raw mental wounds. Again and again he'd hurt me, anger me, and create an enviorment which made me want to be anywhere but at school. He spread rumors about me being some crazy Christian who'd try and convert anybody I'd come in contact with. He said I hated everyone who wasn't a Christian and that I thought I was better than everyone else.
He began to sit at my lunch table for short periods of time, where I sat with Sara and Christina (who I was still trying to keep from hurting herself, and still care about to this day). I would glower and look away from him, because I had nobody else to turn to. I asked Sara if she could ask him to stop sitting there over and over again. When I'd finally become utterly fed up with it, I told her she'd better get him to stop coming around, or I'd find another table to eat at. Guess what she chose? My best friend who I hoped would help me in my time of need, when I'd spent so much time helping her, betrayed me. The next day after I'd made my request, she refused to talk to me. And by the end of the day, she'd cleaned all of her and Christina's stuff out of my locker and left me alone by myself.
I went home and cried. I cried and I cried. I had nobody to turn to for help. Sure, I found a new table with kids who liked me who didn't have huge problems to dump on my lap, but there was this hole in my heart where my best friend should have gone.
For weeks, I prayed to God to give me a best friend, but he seemed deaf to my requests. I was lonely. I was depressed.
One day, I told my mom I didn't want to live any longer and I wanted to hurt Michael the way he had hurt me. I wanted to punch him and beat him until he begged for mercy in a pathetic ball on the floor and, even then, I said I didn't want to stop. I wanted him to really, really hurt.
She said, "Go read your Bible."
Dragging my feet, I went up the stairs to my room, and God spoke to me.
- "The wicked frustrate the plans of the oppressed, but the Lord will protect his people" (Psalm 14:6).
- "If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of hte world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you" (John 15:18-19).

Michael was not the only problem I faced this year. As some of you might have read, 4S has caused me to hate myself and hate living. If you go down to the bottom of the page to my music player, you'll see a song called "Imperfection" by Skillet. One one of those really, really bad days where I seriously thought of killing myself, this song came onto my iPod (which was on shuffle), and made me think.

You fall on your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your
Imperfection

You mean so much
That heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are
Revel in your day
You're fearfully and wonderfully made

You're worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes
Every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons

Won't you believe
All the things I see in you?

This song was like God was talking to me! Every single word made sense. And this wasn't the first of the songs God spoke to me through. Hold On, by Abandon; Hold On, by tobyMac; Yours to Hold, by Skillet; It's Not Me, It's You, by Skillet; all of these songs held meaning to me!

There was another day I came home and just cried in my room for an hour because I was fed up with hearing all of these noises I didn't want to hear, and my mom told me, again, to go read my Bible. Know what God said? "Look at the birds. I provide for them, and I love you much more than I love them. I'll take care of you."

I don't know, but I probably wouldn't have made it through last year if God had not been with me. I'd probably be dead. No joke.
I'll leave you with this: God exists. He loves you. He loved me through all of my troubles, and he'll love you, too. In fact, Jesus freaking died so that you could spend eternity with him in heaven. Like, have you seen The Passion? I cried during that movie. Like, it's amazing to think that he...he suffered because he loved me so much. Little, insignificant me.

You know something? I found a best friend last month.

Don't you try and tell me God doesn't exist. I wouldn't be standing here if he didn't.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good; to accomplish what is now being done," (Genesis 50:20).