Three-Part Photograpy

These are for my photography final that are due Friday. I used my best friend for a subject, and these are my final products. Let me know what you think of them! The concept was supposed to be a three part photo series which told a story. The beginning, pinnical moment, and then the finale. This idea here portrayed a girl who either is or has been labeled the things which are written on her body. The viewer could see it either way. The second photo shows her, fed up with what she is covered in, the accusations and names, and she washes them off of herself in the sink to free herself. In the third, she is clean, and has one final thought: She is above all of it. She doesn't care what they think. She is no longer the girl which was first shown, and now she can move on as a new person. 

The Fantastic Monday Flu

Adorable, but full of germs.

It's funny how most of the stress that I have in my life comes from two primary sources: a.) nannying, and b.) Chem. Class. While these two things are completely unrelated, they do occasionally find ways to connect themselves in my vast circle of Unimportant Stephic Events.
Take Monday for example. Dear Lord, Monday.
I showed up for work at the Nanny-Family's to be greeted with the news that I was not going to be alone the entire day with the small blonde one. The trio of Mexican cleaning ladies were going to come at three, much to my utter dismay. I'd made it clear to Nanny-Mommy that I wanted the cleaning ladies to come a different day, because it's a little hard to maneuver myself and Brody around them with their various chemicals, especially when it's about three degrees outside. Usually when they would come, I would just make a point to take Brody out in the stroller for two long periods of time, maybe arrive at the park, and spend a lot of time in the backyard. In the winter, it's so much harder. I also can't play one of the many bizarre games that I make up on a whim to entertain him inside, because they would think I was mental. So, when they arrive, we have to spend the three hours they are here in the child's tiny bedroom.
This, added onto the fact that I had a myriad of questions to answer for my Chemistry class and a Spanish III test to take, just made my stress level skyrocket.
So, the first half of the day went wonderful, mostly due to the fact that Brody took an hour and a half nap in the middle of the day, and we watched half of The Fantastic Mr. Fox. We couldn't take a walk, though, so he was completely hyped up on energy and had nothing to do with it except for pound up against the baby gate and defy my every movement. The joys of being one and a half.
Once the cleaning ladies came, there was no time for a second nap on Brody's watch. I was like, "Shit, now I will have about three hours of homework after I get home...", and since I get migraine headaches at the drop of a pen, I was now in a world of pain. And locked in the baby's room while he spun in circles like a helicopter and threw books at my head.
When Nanny-Daddy got home, I was feeling like my head was going to explode with pain. I was over-stressed, tired, and wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep for a week. But life can't ever be that simple, can it? By the end of the night, I did manage to get everything done and take a shower before getting to bed, but I still can't believe I managed to live through it.

Then I got the flu.

Early Wednesday morning, I had to jump out of bed two times and sprint to the bathroom to toss my cookies into the loo before stumbling back and landing in Nod. I vaguely remembered Nanny-Mommy mentioning that Brody had had the flu that weekend, and had since recovered, and then regretted ever kissing his little his little head before placing him in his crib. Dang.
I called her and told her I was sick and couldn't make it to their house that morning, only to find out that she, too, had the flu. Coincidence, right?
Puke.

My mom had to go and work at Operation Christmas Child that afternoon, though, so I spent the next seven hours home alone with a plastic bowl and a cat. I don't think I've spent that much time asleep in, well, a very long time. From eight in the morning to seven-o-clock that night, I was more or less drifting in and out of consciousness until Mother and Dano came home with some 7-Up and water crackers for me to consume. Which, then, I realized, I hadn't eaten anything all day. Couldn't keep anything down.
So I ate, and went back to bed. 

180

Watch all of this. It's worth it.

Some Amazing People

I think it's interesting how one's music choice can change in such a short amount of time. The way someone is inside can determine what types of music they prefer over others, and how they stand with their Creator can make such a huge difference in the style they enjoy the most.
For example, my freshman year, I was all into the band Skillet. The only thing I really liked to listen to was the raspy tone of John Cooper's voice and the blaring of their guitars. I was so angry and searching for something outside of myself that I found comfort in the insecurities of the song writer and all the heartache he had experienced in the past. I think that the severity of the music also fed my rage, the way that Cooper was always yelling and shouting about the way he felt kind of soothed me. Nowadays, I can't bring myself to listen to much of their music. I like softer, more quiet tones.
My sophomore year, I was into more happy, upbeat, secular music. I think last year, I was very far away from God, and I didn't really know it. I thought I was all into him, but I found myself not listening to His voice through the music I was paying attention to. I was practically obsessed with Rachel, and wanting to be just like her, I decided to listen to the kind of music she liked, and found things that we could listen to together. Now there's a lot of songs on my library that I don't feel like I can bearly hear anymore because it reminds me so much of her. Now, because of the state of my heart, I'm very prejudiced against different songs that I have, and need to keep myself away from it.
And now, I think it's interesting how since I've wanted to be alone and more solitary, I listen to quieter things. I'm secluded and quiet inside, and so my music choice has changed to mirror what I feel inside. I've gotten very into the work of Shawn McDonald, because he's the type of guy I can really identify with. His biography is so heartbreaking, his story so close to my heart, and when he sings, I can feel what he feels. This man is someone who has hurt so much, and gives it all back to God. I find it inspiring.

I love how he just says how he feels, and puts it all out there for the world to see. His songs bring up topics of insecurity, loneliness, feeling lost, hopeless, and then finding redemption again and sanctuary from all of his troubles. Another artist whom I've really grown to adore is JJ Heller, a young woman who has also seen lots of trouble, but found ways to deal with it, and finally discovered God's plan for her. She's now married and has two sweet little girls, and is happy. Her music reflects that. She, also, is akin to quiet, guitar inspired music in a sort of Indie fashion. I absolutely love her.
These two artists have inspired me and kept me going through rough times. I'll post a few of my favorite songs by them, so maybe you can get to know them, too. 

I hope you enjoy them, and maybe they'll inspire you, too.

Good Evening.

I'm a failure. No blogging? Almost a year? I suck. Here is an "I suck" photo for you. In fact, its title is "I suck" and it is a picture of me sucking.

See, now, I feel like I've completely robbed humanity of my views and all the random crap I have to say. I think now I'll just ramble on something that's been on my mind lately, and something that's been closing in on my state of mind and such and makes me feel completely powerless. I'll just come out and say it.

I can't trust anyone.

There, it's out, I've uttered it, and bang, I already feel a little better. Um, I really hope she's not reading this, but that friend that I used to rave about, Rachel? She's no longer a part of my life. I don't know how to nicely say this, but I honestly feel like she used me. I was like a fad that went out of fashion, and now that she's gone and forgotten all about me and left me in this shocked, pathetic, exoskeleton, I'm beginning to question who else in my life that I have been trusting should I not trust anymore? Obviously, I'm not the best judge of character, seeing as four out of the five best friends I've had in the last three years have left me emotionally scarred to some degree, how many other "BFFs" in my life am I allowing to get to know me better?

And so now, I'm, like, this completely scared out of my beans, paranoid, and un-trusting hermit that has no fun and hangs out with no one because I don't know who actually likes me and who's just pretending. I'm not sure if the kids that I was trying to befriend in my photography class are just being nice because I'm annoying and emotional, or if they genuinely like me. What if they just laugh at my jokes because I say so many of them? Because they find me intimidating? Is my youth pastor's wife just having lunch with me on Thursdays because she feels sorry for me in my fragile state of being? I just don't know, and I have no idea what the duck is going on here.

It's a little like living in Inception.

And I really don't like it, because I can feel myself pulling away from anyone and everyone, and becoming much more cynical and sarcastic than I used to be, and far more darker in my "normal" state of mind than I previously allowed myself to be. Like, even when I'm having a good day, I'm, like, borderline Fang of Maximum Ride. It's frightening, to say the least.
What the blank am I becoming? Do I even like this?

I'm getting addicted to the Sims 3 again, getting lost in the land of Facebook, neglecting Chemistry homework and/or important studying I have to do, and it's just not healthy.
I'd get some help, but I just don't have time.

Maybe the root of all of this is the fact that I now spend sixteen hours a week babysitting a two-year-old who likes to kick and scream and demand things I'm not sure I'm allowed to give him. (I also work a hostessing job on weekends. I'm pretty sure I've broken every child-labor law out there.) Or that my room is never clean. Or that I have a dog that's fatter than a kid on a strict Twinkie diet. Or that the earth may or may not be warming. Or, um, I don't know, that some freaking moose in Alaska just died of heart failure because he wasn't following up on the Iditerod!

Clearly, I'm losing it.

Yeah, I'm losing it.

Also, damn, it's good to be back. I haven't written in so long, and then my history teacher, Mista' B., assigned this super long research paper on what America is all about, and somehow, it just felt...good to be writing. The sad thing was that it had to be a research paper that brought me back to all of this. Somehow I started thinking about my blog after I'd written the seven page monster in under two hours, and how amazing it was that I could write something of that magnitude is such a short amount of time. Maybe it's my eight words-per-minute typing speed or my addiction to caffeine, but I mean, who knows. I'm rethinking my career options after high school (I'm a junior now...is that crazy?), and earlier this month it was definitely a councilor for troubled teens, but then Nicole stole that, but that's a different story, and now I'm wondering if I should write. I mean, I don't mind doing it, it's easy for me, and I think it's kind of fun. And writing stuff like this, on a blog, obviously would not be a practical career field, but maybe writing articles or something. I dunno. It's a small idea. Baby steps, baby steps, that's how I roll.

Look at my cows!

I think I might change the name of my blog. I'm not really sure. But I do definitely need to change the profile picture of me, 'cause I got a new haircut, and I'm almost a year older than that photo. And, see, now that I have two jobs, I can afford to be all girly and stuff now and buy cute clothes and makeup and damaging hair products that make my hair way huger than it needs to be. I kind of love it, and I've come to the realization that I'm a workaholic. I love to be busy, and stressed, and I like to make money. See, and now I don't have to bug my family about buying me stuff, like Nutella and feminine necessities, because I can get them myself, and it feels way better to have earned it than to have mooched.

Anyway, so, yeah, this felt good. It's good to be back. I'll add some nice photos and stuff to make this post more worth your while to be reading it. But, then again, if you're reading this right now, you've probably moved ahead of that already.

And someone had been wondering about my hearing aids? They don't work in the way intended, but they do mask most sounds that normally bug me. It's a really weird concept, and half of the time, I don't even know if they're doing anything productive, but just wearing them gives me some sense of security. I tend to flip out a little more when I'm not wearing them than when I am, for some strange, psychological reason. 

Not Only Do I Have Orthopedic Shoe-Inserts - I Also Have Hearing-Aids. I'm Fifteen.

Yesterday, I learned something that kind of blew my mind: 4S may, in fact, be curable. INSANE, right? Let me start from the beginning.
My mother woke me up at about seven-o-clock and told me that we were going to an audiologist to go look at my ears and talk about my Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome (4S). It turns out that there's a man in Colorado Springs who not only has heard about it, but knows how to treat and hopefully cure it.
First off, he explained to me that we needed to take some hearing tests, he needed to look down my ear canal with a microscope thing that showed up on his computer (so freaking awesome), and he needed to vacuum some ear wax out of my left ear (very painful). So, I was put in a soundproof room after getting my ears cleaned and had to repeat words that he said to me, and also listen to different beep pitches so he could measure how good my hearing was. Turns out mine is weirdly acute.
After he was finished with that, he explained to me what 4S is and how my brain is different from everyone else’s. In everybody’s brain, there is a part that processes sound, and a part that processes anxiety sitting right next to it. Normally, these two regions do not interact. But, in my brain, there are connections and bridges between the two regions, and so they intermingle far too frequently.

What the doctor said one way we can break down these connections is through the use of hearing aids. One type of device used has been developed in Australia, and plays a series of chime-like notes in an infinitely random sequence. If I wear these all the time, whenever I come in contact with noises that trigger anxiety, the part of my brain that is beginning to freak out will relax more so my reactions begin to cease. Eventually, he said, these connections will begin to break down, and I should be able to see a difference in as little as two weeks. In a decade, Doc says, my 4S could be completely eliminated.

The ones I have right now are actually not mine, but the ones that my parents are going to buy for me have a switch on them so I can change the type of chime or white noise and control the volume. They'll also be brown so they match my hair color, and the wire will be clear, so they won't be that noticeable.  

Isn’t that cool? This is exactly what I’ve been waiting for! The only downside? They make my ear canals itch, but I think I can live with that.

100 Happy Things

So, I kind of had a rough day. I got home and read up about things to do when you're down, and one of them was to write out a list of one hundred things that make you smile. And I like making lists, so I did it.

Things That Make Me Happy:
1. Reading a book
2. Drawing a picture
3. Writing about life
4. Sunshine
5. Practicing the guitar
6. Practicing the cello
7. Taking a shower
8. The feeling after you're done crying
9. Playing on the Sims 3
10. Listening to music
11. Eating good food
12. Making CD's
13. Shopping
14. Playing with Boaz (my dog)
15. Snowboarding
16. Helping people
17. Having something to smile about
18. Looking at good photography
19. Having good grades
20. Not complaining about things and just taking things as they are
21. Singing
22. Sitting in my Bat Cave (my semi-furnished crawlspace)
23. Feeling like I'm pretty
24. Having nice things to wear
25. Chewing gum (not around other people!)
26. New pencils and pens

27. New books
28. Wearing pajamas
29. Getting a text message from someone
30. Having Facebook notifications
31. Comments on my blog
32. Fanfiction reviews
33. The feeling of after completing a lot of homework
34. Making something
35. Looking at childhood photos
36. Having a face clear of blemishes
37. Losing a few pounds
38. Oreos (funny how this one directly followed the previous...)
39. Chocolate in general
40. Going somewhere
41. Youth Group (when Ashley’s there)
42. Starbucks
43. Baking/Cooking
44. Educational videos
45. Watching movies
46. Going to the movies and being the only people there
47. Learning new things
48. Doing something with my hands
49. Accomplishing something difficult
50. Praying
51. Reading my Bible
52. Glee
53. Hugs
54. Driving
55. Toy cars
56. Dinosaurs
57. Really cold ice water
58. Warm baths
59. Being left alone

60. Flowers
61. Contacts
62. Doing my nails
63. Playing with my iPod
64. Complete and total silence
65. Riding my horse
66. Taking pictures
67. New music
68. Asian people
69. Speaking in Spanish
70. Coloring
71. Crayons
72. Kids TV shows
73. Babysitting
74. Sheep
75. Candles
76. A clean room
77. When my laundry is all done
78. Garlic bread
79. Just bread in general; carbs!
80. Caesar salads

81. Clean sheets

82. Ostriches

83. Anthropologie

84. Computers

85. Powerpoint presentations

86. Petting the cat

87. AFV
88. Painting walls
89. The library
90. The Dumb Friends League
91. Chips eaten in solitude. (Sounds weird, but...yeah.)
92. Earl Grey Tea
93. Hot Chocolate with whipped cream
94. The smell of the book store
95. Writing letters
96. Mika
97. Great art, like Van Gough, Monet, and Georgia O'Keefe
98. Yo-Yo Ma
99. Sporks
100. Not having a rash

To tell you the truth, it actually made me feel a bit better. So, next time you feel like punching the nearest wall, reach for your computer instead and start typing up words! It's kind of fun. Shortly after I finished this list, my mom and my sister came up to check on me because I refused to eat dinner with the fam, so we just talked, and it was nice.
Tomorrow, my mom and I are going to go see an audiologist who specializes in things like 4S, and he might be able to fit me with a pair of hearing aid-like devices which filter out the bad noises. Don't ask me how, but I'm really hoping this works. Please be praying that my situations at home and at school get better, because I'm not doing so well at the moment with everything in general. Life is kind of coming at me in all directions, and I'm just waiting for the storm to blow over.
Thanks, and I hope you all have a great week :)

Merry Christmas / Happy New Year

So, I’m not dead. I realize I haven’t posted in over a month, which is entirely my fault because I’ve had all of break to post again. Sorry. Like, geez, you’d think I could freaking motivate myself to use the computer for something other than the Sims 3 and Facebook. It has also come to my attention that I promised to post right after Thanksgiving about my Thanksgiving, but now I’m thinking that’s way overdue and you probably all don’t really care at this point.

Anyway.
First of all, I'd like to wish you all a Merry Late Christmas and a wonderful New Year ahead of you. I hope that all of you enjoyed your time with family and friends as you remembered the birth of the Christ and what Emmanuel promised to do for his people, and for all the world. In some ways, my holiday wish isn't late at all - we can remember the day the Savior of the world was sent any time or any hour. "Glory to God in the Highest! And on earth, peace to all men on whom His favor rests."

The highlights of the last month included snowboarding with a handful of kids from my school, seeing a Family Force 5 and Forever The Sickest Kids concert, and our drummer, Brice, ’s Christmas party at his house. (Sorry, wasn't entirely sure how to punctuate that.) Then after I got off school on December 13th, I was free to do whatever I wanted with myself for three whole weeks. The problem with that? I had no plans whatsoever for the first and last week. And, you know, that could kind of be a problem, considering I usually get pretty depressed when I’m all alone by myself. Week One sucked.

The second week of my break, my family and I had made plans to go volunteer over Christmas at InterVarsity’s Bear Trap Ranch to help serve a group of international students for the International House Party. My family got our own room to stay in, which was complete with a loft and several mattresses to sleep upon. We spent the week mainly cooking different international dishes in gigantic serving sizes, sloshing kimchi out of a big glass jar into a bowl (smelled disgusting), and quartering large sheets of sea weed. It was a lot of work, and I didn’t enjoy most of it, but I gained the satisfaction of listening in one night while the students shared what they had learned about God from the camp. Now I think I would even do it again just considering the spiritual growth that happened there. It was great to be part of something so huge!

(Enter comic relief, stage right:) Here's something funny that happened the day before we left for Bear Trap was opening presents a week early: Last year, to mask the fact I had gotten my brother a concert shirt for Christmas, I duct-taped two bricks to the inside of the box and filled it with packing peanuts, placing the shirt in the middle. This year, my brother did the exact same thing to me. He got the biggest dang box he could possibly find and put an entire cinder block inside of it. What did he get me? A capo and an ostrich Beanie Baby. For Kristen's, he placed the gift in a box, and then wrapped it up in about six other boxes, duct-tape everywhere. Glad to know he had fun doing it, right?

My sister and I decided that we would choose our own gifts for each other so that we spent about the same amount of money on one another. This year, I got her the first season of Glee, and she got me the Sims 3. And that totally rhymed. My life is such an epic.

I also had the opportunity to spend time with both of my best buds this Christmas break. The first week, Ashley spend the night while my sister was having her ugly Christmas sweater party. We played Pictionary Man with my mom and Daniel, jammed a bit with my guitar, made candy houses, and were able to catch up for the first time in what seems like months. I can't believe the last time we had a sleepover was during the summer, which says something: Ashley needs to come to my school!



The day before New Years Eve, I was also able to spend the night at Rachel’s house for the first time ever. Man, it was a blast. We even stayed up until five because we didn’t factor girl talk into our bucket list. She and I watched some Glee and a Will Ferrel movie, played some Sims 3, Facebooked, dressed up as Lady Gaga and Kesha to shoot a twenty minute video, and had a great time. Granted, it felt a little juvenile, but who cares? A kid has to be a kid every once in a while. Plus, I freaking love Rachel.

And finally, New Years Eve came. There was no hint of sadness for me in seeing 2010 leave. I’m glad it’s over. The traumas of the first eight months will never my mind, but now I can see this new year ahead of me and think of nothing but hope. I have new friends, a new school, people in my life who genuinely care about me and my well-being. I know that this year will not be perfect, but I don’t think considering my circumstances, it could be any worse than last year.
I actually just finished reading through the Bible last night. Through watching the Israelites and how God continuously punishes them for what they’ve done wrong, but accepts them right back just as they were was encouraging. Reading Jesus’ teachings gave me hope, told me I am loved, and reminded me that no matter what happens to me, God will always love me. He’s taught me that he wants me to trust him because he is the one friend who will never let me down. He’s taught me that there’s a reason for everything that happens, whether good or bad, and that none of it is by accident or chance. God holds the world in his hands, and he sees each and every one of us. He collects my tears in a bottle and walks me through all of my hardships as they come.
Honestly, if God hadn’t been right there beside me throughout 2010, I may not have lived to see a 2011. So because I cannot find the words to describe my gratitude to Him, all I can do is try and honor him with everything I have in me. Let every breath that I take praise the Lord!


Happy New Year.