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Watch all of this. It's worth it.

Some Amazing People

I think it's interesting how one's music choice can change in such a short amount of time. The way someone is inside can determine what types of music they prefer over others, and how they stand with their Creator can make such a huge difference in the style they enjoy the most.
For example, my freshman year, I was all into the band Skillet. The only thing I really liked to listen to was the raspy tone of John Cooper's voice and the blaring of their guitars. I was so angry and searching for something outside of myself that I found comfort in the insecurities of the song writer and all the heartache he had experienced in the past. I think that the severity of the music also fed my rage, the way that Cooper was always yelling and shouting about the way he felt kind of soothed me. Nowadays, I can't bring myself to listen to much of their music. I like softer, more quiet tones.
My sophomore year, I was into more happy, upbeat, secular music. I think last year, I was very far away from God, and I didn't really know it. I thought I was all into him, but I found myself not listening to His voice through the music I was paying attention to. I was practically obsessed with Rachel, and wanting to be just like her, I decided to listen to the kind of music she liked, and found things that we could listen to together. Now there's a lot of songs on my library that I don't feel like I can bearly hear anymore because it reminds me so much of her. Now, because of the state of my heart, I'm very prejudiced against different songs that I have, and need to keep myself away from it.
And now, I think it's interesting how since I've wanted to be alone and more solitary, I listen to quieter things. I'm secluded and quiet inside, and so my music choice has changed to mirror what I feel inside. I've gotten very into the work of Shawn McDonald, because he's the type of guy I can really identify with. His biography is so heartbreaking, his story so close to my heart, and when he sings, I can feel what he feels. This man is someone who has hurt so much, and gives it all back to God. I find it inspiring.

I love how he just says how he feels, and puts it all out there for the world to see. His songs bring up topics of insecurity, loneliness, feeling lost, hopeless, and then finding redemption again and sanctuary from all of his troubles. Another artist whom I've really grown to adore is JJ Heller, a young woman who has also seen lots of trouble, but found ways to deal with it, and finally discovered God's plan for her. She's now married and has two sweet little girls, and is happy. Her music reflects that. She, also, is akin to quiet, guitar inspired music in a sort of Indie fashion. I absolutely love her.
These two artists have inspired me and kept me going through rough times. I'll post a few of my favorite songs by them, so maybe you can get to know them, too. 

I hope you enjoy them, and maybe they'll inspire you, too.

Good Evening.

I'm a failure. No blogging? Almost a year? I suck. Here is an "I suck" photo for you. In fact, its title is "I suck" and it is a picture of me sucking.

See, now, I feel like I've completely robbed humanity of my views and all the random crap I have to say. I think now I'll just ramble on something that's been on my mind lately, and something that's been closing in on my state of mind and such and makes me feel completely powerless. I'll just come out and say it.

I can't trust anyone.

There, it's out, I've uttered it, and bang, I already feel a little better. Um, I really hope she's not reading this, but that friend that I used to rave about, Rachel? She's no longer a part of my life. I don't know how to nicely say this, but I honestly feel like she used me. I was like a fad that went out of fashion, and now that she's gone and forgotten all about me and left me in this shocked, pathetic, exoskeleton, I'm beginning to question who else in my life that I have been trusting should I not trust anymore? Obviously, I'm not the best judge of character, seeing as four out of the five best friends I've had in the last three years have left me emotionally scarred to some degree, how many other "BFFs" in my life am I allowing to get to know me better?

And so now, I'm, like, this completely scared out of my beans, paranoid, and un-trusting hermit that has no fun and hangs out with no one because I don't know who actually likes me and who's just pretending. I'm not sure if the kids that I was trying to befriend in my photography class are just being nice because I'm annoying and emotional, or if they genuinely like me. What if they just laugh at my jokes because I say so many of them? Because they find me intimidating? Is my youth pastor's wife just having lunch with me on Thursdays because she feels sorry for me in my fragile state of being? I just don't know, and I have no idea what the duck is going on here.

It's a little like living in Inception.

And I really don't like it, because I can feel myself pulling away from anyone and everyone, and becoming much more cynical and sarcastic than I used to be, and far more darker in my "normal" state of mind than I previously allowed myself to be. Like, even when I'm having a good day, I'm, like, borderline Fang of Maximum Ride. It's frightening, to say the least.
What the blank am I becoming? Do I even like this?

I'm getting addicted to the Sims 3 again, getting lost in the land of Facebook, neglecting Chemistry homework and/or important studying I have to do, and it's just not healthy.
I'd get some help, but I just don't have time.

Maybe the root of all of this is the fact that I now spend sixteen hours a week babysitting a two-year-old who likes to kick and scream and demand things I'm not sure I'm allowed to give him. (I also work a hostessing job on weekends. I'm pretty sure I've broken every child-labor law out there.) Or that my room is never clean. Or that I have a dog that's fatter than a kid on a strict Twinkie diet. Or that the earth may or may not be warming. Or, um, I don't know, that some freaking moose in Alaska just died of heart failure because he wasn't following up on the Iditerod!

Clearly, I'm losing it.

Yeah, I'm losing it.

Also, damn, it's good to be back. I haven't written in so long, and then my history teacher, Mista' B., assigned this super long research paper on what America is all about, and somehow, it just felt...good to be writing. The sad thing was that it had to be a research paper that brought me back to all of this. Somehow I started thinking about my blog after I'd written the seven page monster in under two hours, and how amazing it was that I could write something of that magnitude is such a short amount of time. Maybe it's my eight words-per-minute typing speed or my addiction to caffeine, but I mean, who knows. I'm rethinking my career options after high school (I'm a junior now...is that crazy?), and earlier this month it was definitely a councilor for troubled teens, but then Nicole stole that, but that's a different story, and now I'm wondering if I should write. I mean, I don't mind doing it, it's easy for me, and I think it's kind of fun. And writing stuff like this, on a blog, obviously would not be a practical career field, but maybe writing articles or something. I dunno. It's a small idea. Baby steps, baby steps, that's how I roll.

Look at my cows!

I think I might change the name of my blog. I'm not really sure. But I do definitely need to change the profile picture of me, 'cause I got a new haircut, and I'm almost a year older than that photo. And, see, now that I have two jobs, I can afford to be all girly and stuff now and buy cute clothes and makeup and damaging hair products that make my hair way huger than it needs to be. I kind of love it, and I've come to the realization that I'm a workaholic. I love to be busy, and stressed, and I like to make money. See, and now I don't have to bug my family about buying me stuff, like Nutella and feminine necessities, because I can get them myself, and it feels way better to have earned it than to have mooched.

Anyway, so, yeah, this felt good. It's good to be back. I'll add some nice photos and stuff to make this post more worth your while to be reading it. But, then again, if you're reading this right now, you've probably moved ahead of that already.

And someone had been wondering about my hearing aids? They don't work in the way intended, but they do mask most sounds that normally bug me. It's a really weird concept, and half of the time, I don't even know if they're doing anything productive, but just wearing them gives me some sense of security. I tend to flip out a little more when I'm not wearing them than when I am, for some strange, psychological reason.