Sharing My Story

I was interviewed this evening at youth group by a few guys who were filming a few kids' testimonies for a Meet Me At the Flag Pole day. I don't think I've ever shared it aloud before to anyone, let alone men with cameras and Chris Johnson, but it was fairly nerve-wracking. So, I'd trotted in shortly before they had begun to pack up (I was the last person to go), and they said they'd film me anyway before they left. I said cool, and was sat down on the sofa with a microphone clipped to my collar.
The guy began to ask my questions. "What does Jesus mean to you?"
"Jesus..." I began slowly, trying to put the words together right, "is my savior," I said. "Not just because he died for me, but also because he saved me. I mean, I might not still be here today if I didn't have him. I could be dead."
Chris' eyes slowly widened as he sat behind the guy with a camera trained on me.
He asked if I'd like to share a bit of how I got to know Jesus.
"I've always been a Christian," I said. "I mean, I grew up in a Christian home - but I didn't really have a close relationship with him until this past year. I was being made fun of at school and was really depressed, and I have 4S, which magnifies sounds so I can't stand gum and chips and stuff. The only escape I could come up with was killing myself."
"So...how did Jesus play into this?" he inquired.
"Every time I'd come home from school depressed, my mom would tell me to go read my Bible and verses would just pop out at me and really encourage me," I said. "Then I'd been praying really hard so I could get into this one school I had no chance of getting into, but look where I am today!" I gestered to my BWHS* hoodie I then sported. "I was accepted. Jesus has really helped me."
"And what would you like to tell other kids who are depressed or suicidal?"
"Just...don't do it. Don't kill yourself. You can't do that to your family, it'll affect everyone. You just need to realize that things will get better."
"What do you want people to know about Jesus?"
I paused and smiled a bit. "He loves you. I'm not just saying that because everyone does. He loves you."
He smiled back and switched off his camera, turning to his friend. "I'm really glad we got that one in," he said. Then to me, "Thank you for talking with us!"
"Thanks!" I said, walking towards the door. "It was nice meeting you!"
Chris' face had a look of wonder on it and he gave me a high five. I don't think he ever knew any of that was going on.
Later after a lot of people had left, he came and sat next to me and said, "Powerful testimony."
I half smiled. "Thanks."
"I had no idea it was at that point."
"I can't believe I'd even considered it. At my drivers class they told us to imagine how our families would be effected if we were killed in an accident, but I couldn't think of that. I thought about what it would have been like if I'd done suicide. I just can't believe what I almost did to my family."
"Steph," He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled. "I'm glad you didn't."
I put a hand on his. "So am I."
"You're an incredible kid," he said.
I frowned. I certainly didn't feel incredible. I felt horrible. "Thanks," I said.
"God's still working on you."
I laughed dryly. "Clearly."

I can't stress how horrible I feel about what I almost did to everyone. There was a night coming home from work a few months ago when I mentioned something about killing myself to Kristen and she asked me to promise her I wouldn't. And I'd said I couldn't promise that. Today she told me that that was one of the scariest nights of her life. She was so frightened just hearing me say that.
Dad would have tore himself apart, Mom would be devistated, Daniel would feel betrayed, and Kristen would feel like she'd lost her right arm. I just can't believe I'd ever thought that. I'm so ashamed and I'm so mad at myself. I hate that part of my past. I can't get over it.
If you're reading this and you're thinking of suicide, please listen carefully to what I am saying. Think of who you would affect. Whether you think so or not, everyone would be changed in some way. And not positively.
Whatever you're going through, no matter what it is, it will get better. Life could always suck more. There is always hope, and there is always help. And if you can't find someone to talk to, I am always here for you and am willing to help.
Just please don't give up.
Never stop fighting.